By Dr. Alex Schaeffer, Lead Veterinarian for Caring Pathways – Charlotte
The loss of a beloved pet is one of the deepest forms of grief many people will ever experience.
Pet loss can trigger a complex range of emotions: sadness, guilt, anger, anxiety, numbness. These feelings are normal and expected. They may even emerge before a pet’s passing, a phenomenon known as anticipatory grief. It is common to question yourself and every decision surrounding comfort care, veterinary hospice, or pet euthanasia, leading to doubt and anxiety.
As an end-of-life veterinarian, I regularly help families navigate the emotionally challenging decisions surrounding veterinary hospice and saying goodbye to a beloved pet through euthanasia. Every pet and every family is entirely unique. It is rare to find an idea that encapsulates so perfectly and universally what I see in pet loss grief, but recently I discovered one.
A Lesson About Grief From an Unexpected Source
When I was young, I would sneak downstairs after bedtime and snuggle up with my mom to catch up on our favorite medical drama, ER. My love for these shows continued throughout veterinary school and into my career. They offered glimpses into a different side of medicine, a perspective I have always carried with me as a veterinarian.
When The Pitt was released on HBO Max in 2025, one episode in particular struck a chord with my experience as an end-of-life veterinarian.
Season 1, Episode 4 shares the story of two adults grappling with the impending passing of their father. The titular character, Dr. Robby, guides them through this cavernous process and speaks about four phrases inspired by a Hawaiian tradition called Ho’oponopono. Four phrases, he explains, that can help in grief, too.
I love you.
Thank you.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
So often I hear variations of these phrases spoken during my euthanasia appointments, in the quiet moments between pets and their people. Yet the mindfulness and intentionality of this practice felt new to me. I believe it can be a helpful practice during pet loss, offering a way to ensure no important words are left unsaid.
Walking through these phrases can provide a framework for processing grief, anticipatory grief, and the difficult emotions that accompany veterinary hospice and euthanasia.
I Love You: Voice Your Bond
Reflect not only on the feeling, but the action. Select three to five things that you love about your pet. The softness of their ears. The little speckle of brown on the bridge of their nose. The way they always sprawled across your laptop as if to say, “Stop working and pay attention to me!” How amazing they were with your children.
You have already whispered “I love you” through every interaction you’ve shared together. They know it through your words and your actions. But speaking it aloud is a reminder of the extraordinary bond you share.
Thank You: Appreciate the Details Through Memories
Expressing gratitude can be healing. Take a moment to remember the details that made your pet so special:
“Thank you for being here. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the muddy paw prints on the kitchen floor. Thank you for barking at every delivery driver. Thank you for being my alarm clock every morning, meowing by the door for food. Thank you for every good thing, every frustrating thing, every ordinary day we spent together.”
Please Forgive Me: Letting Go of Guilt
With this phrase, you can remember those moments where you wish you could have done better. Apologize to your pet for the anger. Apologize for not taking them on more walks or out boating on the river. Apologize for forgetting to clean the litter box.
Apologize, but also know this: they have already forgiven you. That is one of the things animals do best.
I Forgive You: I Forgive Myself
Sometimes this phrase can be directed toward your pet. Moments of frustration, like when they destroyed the ottoman the week after you bought it. That frustration may have only lasted a few moments, but acknowledging it can be an important step in processing the intense emotions surrounding loss. Saying “I forgive you” can release those memories and lighten a burden.
But this phrase isn’t just directed toward your pet. Remember to direct it back to yourself.
It is easy to feel guilt in these moments: guilt about your anger, guilt about missed opportunities or missed signs of illness, guilt about your own impatience. But you are human. And your humanity is the very thing your pet loved the most.
Forgive yourself for your shortcomings, and focus instead on the years of love, comfort, and happiness you shared together. One moment, or even many moments, will never overshadow a lifetime of love.
Finding Comfort in Pet Loss
Even with this helpful framework, you may still need additional grief support. Pet loss is exceptionally difficult and emotionally draining, and thankfully, many resources exist to help you process it. If you find yourself struggling with pet loss grief before or after your pet’s passing, know that you are not alone. One of the greatest honors of my work as a veterinarian is walking this journey alongside families.
At Caring Pathways, we provide support through:
- Virtual Quality of Life Consultations
- Pet Hospice and Comfort Care
- Quality of Life Assessments
- In-Home Euthanasia
- Grief Support Resources
Our Grief Support Specialist is available by appointment for anyone who may need additional support while processing their loss.
Ultimately, grief is heavy. Sometimes your thoughts and emotions become so tangled that it is difficult to make sense of them. In those moments, simply repeating these four phrases can help ground your grief.
I love you.
Thank you.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
When grief leaves us searching for the right words, perhaps these four simple phrases are enough.
Honoring the Origins of Ho’oponopono
The four phrases discussed in this article are inspired by a modern adaptation of Ho’oponopono, a traditional Hawaiian practice centered on communal reconciliation, forgiveness, restoring harmony, and healing relationships. Modern interpretations have distilled some of its core themes into the four simple phrases shared above.
While this article focuses on that contemporary adaptation, it is important to recognize and honor the rich cultural heritage from which these ideas emerged. This is not intended to represent the full practice of Ho’oponopono. Rather, I am grateful for the wisdom and comfort these ideas may offer those experiencing pet loss.